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MASTURBATING IS FOR HOTTIES VOL317

I hope your week has been at least somewhat entertaining, thanks to ALRNCN. Nothing would make me happier. Well, maybe a few things would—like checking the lottery and finding out I’m a millionaire, or a Dubai sheikh deciding to fund me just for fun, waking up to breakfast in bed prepared by Margot Robbie in lingerie, or Elon Musk randomly wiring me a couple of million just “for the lols.” Or even bumping into Angela White, having her twist her ankle, bringing her home to ice it, and then getting absolutely ravaged by her as a thank-you. That too.

But without a doubt, knowing that ALRNCN is keeping you entertained is also on the list of things that make me happy. I don’t know in what position, but trust me, you’re on there.

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Kanchō (カンチョー)

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THE ADVICE OF MARCUS AURELIUS

david, vikingo
Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher, has become the unexpected idol of modern success gurus. If you follow those influencers who sell self-help books, you’ve probably seen his quotes everywhere, as if they were the ultimate code to becoming rich, invincible, and emotionally unshakable. “Control your thoughts,” “the obstacle is the way,” “don’t worry about what you can’t change”… Basically, if Marcus Aurelius were alive today, he’d have his own podcast and be selling courses on "practical Stoicism for entrepreneurs."

Now, the reality is that Marcus Aurelius was a seriously busy guy—wars, plagues, betrayals, and the entire weight of the Roman Empire on his shoulders. In his famous Meditations, which were really more of a personal diary he never expected anyone to read, he focused on ideas like self-discipline, virtue, and detachment from unnecessary pleasures. He didn’t directly mention masturbation, but he did talk about the importance of not being ruled by bodily impulses. So, it’s safe to say he probably had a few internal monologues when he felt like taking a moment for himself.

But here’s the interesting part: today we know that masturbation is an excellent tool for relieving stress, improving focus, and even getting better sleep. So, if Marcus Aurelius had taken a little break from war to unwind, he might have fought with fewer worries. In fact, if he managed to keep the Roman Empire standing without masturbating, imagine what he could’ve achieved if he had. He might have discovered America, walked on the Moon, and even invented the internet.



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Which one of them had a better time?

She’s Emily Willis, and you can find many more of her scenes at this link




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MY FAVORITE PLACE

david
After the bedroom, the bathroom takes the silver medal as the favorite place to masturbate. And it makes perfect sense. The door lock guarantees privacy, no one questions if you spend a while in there, and most importantly—the shower and bathtub are right there to make life easier and a whole lot more pleasurable.

The warm water, the soothing sound of the faucet running, and the chance to be completely alone without raising any suspicions make the bathroom the perfect setting for some quality solo time. It doesn’t matter if you prefer the shower’s water stream, the heat of the water running down your skin, or simply the fact that it's a private escape within your home. One thing’s for sure: the bathroom is much more than a place to wash up and relieve yourself—it’s a temple, a sanctuary of pleasure.



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All set to watch the game.

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MASTURBATING IS FOR HOTTIES VOL318

smm, ariel, david, walter
It’s Friday, and your body knows it. And this isn’t just a catchy phrase—it’s a biological, psychological, and emotional reality. After a week of early mornings, endless meetings, and responsibilities that seem to multiply, Friday arrives with its special aura, that feeling that everything feels a little lighter and that the weekend is right around the corner, bringing plans, rest, and, why not, a well-deserved indulgence.

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Yes, my friend, yes, it’s Friday.

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MUSCLE MASSAGERS

luzos, martin, david
During the Soviet era, sexuality was heavily repressed in society, and masturbation was frowned upon. However, in the 1970s and 80s, electric vibrators were sold in pharmacies and specialized stores under the name "Muscle Relaxation Massage Devices," justifying their use as medical treatments.

These devices, manufactured in the Soviet Union, were quite rudimentary and massive, looking more like industrial tools than modern erotic toys. However, their true purpose was no secret to those who bought them. They were advertised with vague descriptions of their "therapeutic benefits," but everyone knew what they were really for.

The irony is that, while the USSR openly banned pornography and censored anything related to sexuality, vibrators could still be legally purchased—as long as they kept up the "medical use" facade.



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My name is Uche.

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EMPEROR TIBERIUS

smm, vicos, walter, david
In Ancient Rome, Emperor Tiberius (14–37 AD) was infamous for his sexual excesses, but there’s a particularly curious detail related to masturbation. According to the historian Suetonius, Tiberius had a secret villa in Capri where he organized all kinds of sexual activities. It is also said that he kept a group of young attendants whose sole purpose was to masturbate him while he watched naked women and couples having sex.

It is believed that this was an attempt to maximize pleasure without expending too much energy, showing that masturbation was not only common but, in certain elite circles, refined to the level of an almost ritualistic art.
Although Suetonius’ accounts may be exaggerated and prone to sensationalism, they highlight how, in some periods, masturbation was not seen as taboo but rather as an accepted practice within society.

If Tiberius were alive today, he’d probably have a premium subscription to every adult content platform.



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Twerking

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